Angelsbeauty's Blog

…. what's next on my random mind?….

One of those days

I spoke to someone from my past today and it was a very interesting conversation but I could not help but feel down afterwards. For a very happy person, or at least according to my friends who think I am and some say they envy me, but I do not think I am a very happy person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have terminally ill family members or stones and rumbling down my life, but I like to think happiness is all relative. Someone who losses a pen can feel as much pain as someone who £1,000 was stolen from. That is the way I see things, because of the sentiments people attach to these things. I am not saying it is right or wrong, all I am saying is at that point in time, they are feeling the same emotion which equally feels horrible.

So, why did I feel bad, I have no idea. I guess its just the way I felt I came across. I felt I cam across as pompous. I think I seriously have issues, I don’t know why I felt like that, but I did. Then I started giving out unnecessary information and in return, he share pieces of news which were very exciting, like a couple of our old friends getting married and even he himself is thinking of getting married which is also really exciting. So naturally, I thought about myself again, back to this same old marriage story. This time, I was thinking where my lane changed? When in my life did I change track? Am I on the right track? I have NO CLUE.  I remember when I was kid, my expectations in life were very simple. The simplest ever, but at the same time, I had no real life ambition or aspiration. Even though for some weird reason I always knew I wanted to study something that involved mathematics and drawing, so my options then were engineering, or architecture and then eventually I studied chemical engineering. I knew I wanted en education, this was when I was back in Nigeria, my parents could afford to give me one and since I can remember my parents have always worked, both my mum and dad and even now, they are still working, so even though then as a child, I thought I wanted an easy life, not a lot of stress, maybe just get a simple job that I’ll just have to turn up on time and leave when work is over and then pop out kids and be a housewife.

My problem  now is my views of life are so different, I believe I was a different person then. I also feel like I have swung too far to the other side, I need some balance. I am talking so much change in 7 years. 7 years is a long time, but still not long enough for me to an entirely different person. I am having to catch up with myself, and now that I think about it, do I know me? I feel like I have been on a very fast track, I haven’t really had the chance to think. I started school before I can even remember, I went through some old school reports to find out that I repeated nursery because I couldn’t write or read, not sure which and then a couple of years later, I changed schools so I had to repeat primary 1 because the school I changed to would not let me go on to primary 2. So pretty much, I have repeated twice before I eventually got into the swing of school like my other colleagues. Having been set back by 2 years educationally, I still found that I was one of the youngest in my year when I moved to England. I was born in November, but I still managed to carry on school years in England with those born before August if that makes sense. So from A levels onwards, it was a responsible and fast lane. So, 2 years of A levels, got really good grades, well come on, my parents were paying thousands of pounds as an international student for me to school here, and they never made me forget that they are working hard to make ends meet, which translated to, do your bit by getting good grades. From A levels, moved on to Imperial College, even more pressure, no longer the top of the class, had to work harder to be an average student and then from University straight into work. I have loved every part of it, but when I look back, I feel like every step of the way I am loosing a part of myself. The question is, am I becoming a better person or a worse person? Time will tell, but would it be too late by then? These are thoughts that have occupied my head this night, other than the election results.

The question now is, do I go ahead and try to carry out the game plan in my head or just chill, but I have not had a chill pill since 2003! It is such a foreign thought to me, each time I try to chill, reflex kicks in. I am also tired of trying to get free therapy from my friends, because I have loads of issues and I am beginning to feel weird sharing them with people I know and see everyday, hence this lamentation. Maybe I should invest in a shrink, but before that, I need to learn to drive first.

So… Good night for now and may the best party win!

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