I am from the school of thoughts of ‘actions speak louder than words’. It took some time and wisdom for me to be able to slice through the fakeness and false smiles and ‘I love you-s’ of people. You know the ones that always love you but yet cannot pick up the phone to say ‘hello, how are you today’. The ones that when you see them, they give you the biggest warmest hugs and act like you mean the world to them, but when you start a conversation with them on blackberry messenger for example its the most awkward experience ever. Or even the ones that make you believe you mean as much to them as they mean to you but yet you are the last to know about anything that happens in their life yet they are the first person you call when things happen to you. Or when you see them, they keep saying ‘so wassup na’ because there is clearly nothing you guys can talk about.
My mum used to call me ‘father christmas’, because from a very young age, she believed I was too generous and people would take me for a ride, she told me off a lot of times, but I just couldn’t change who I was. When I was in high school in Nigeria, if you asked my friends or people who knew me to describe me in 3 adjectives, most of them I believe would say I was generous. To be very honest, I didn’t have a lot, but I just believed in sharing and I guess this got me friends at that stage in my life. Friends whom at the point I thought I would never part from. Then I moved on to university and I guess my personality meant I got on with people and we became friends. Once again I was spoken to by my mum that I had too many friends. One of my ex boyfriends made it clear that if were to remain a couple then my friends would have to go because they were too many. Left to me, my mentality then was be amiable to people, you never know when next your paths would cross.
I have been stung too many times by people and at the moment I am at a cross road. My first sting was when I first moved to the UK, on my 16th birthday, I invited my ‘friends’ from my 6th form college for a birthday get-together I was having at my aunt’s. None of them came! I am surprised I still remember but I guess its not really something you’ll forget that easily. Luckily I invited my high school and church friends and they came. It was so much fun. Now the people that I invited from college that did not come, I would never do that kind of thing to them, but then again its life. I go on to university and on my 18th birthday my ‘friends’ organised a birthday party for me and they didn’t collect a penny from me. As you can imagine, I was in tears! Lol but once again fun. As you can see, two extremes.
Another sting I got in uni was this guy that to me and in my mind we were close! Like I said, to me! Well actually it is not just to me because other people thought the same thing but the day it mattered the most for him to give a damn, he did nothing. Doing nothing is worse than doing something. I would rather he was on my side and said something or said something that meant he was not. I needed him that day, he knew the truth but he decided not to say anything, to save his arse and leave me to get something I did not deserve. I cried for weeks, not only because I had been treated unfairly, but more because I came to realise that I couldn’t answer the questions with certainty that all those who to me meant a lot felt the same way about me as I felt about them. Just a hand full of people I can vouch for.. but who knows what tomorrow holds?
I believe friendship is a very 2 way relationship. I call you, you call me, I make an effort to remember things that are important to you and vice versa. Its not fair when you accept other people’s friendship to you and you don’t give them anything in return. So many times I have felt like I am disturbing people and I am begging for them to be friends with me. But that’s not the case. I have learnt to move on, too easily if anything these days. Lol one of my friends recently called me mean, she said I am not the caring person I used to be. I guess time and experience taught me a lesson. I have learnt (if someone takes a step back and I take two steps forward to meet them and try to kick start things but they are not interested at the time) to leave things and make sure my heart and conscience is clear I haven’t done anything wrong.
I am not very good at loosing friends. I don’t mean them dying, I mean more like this, you have a close friend and something inevitable happens like going away for school or changing schools or going on holiday and that seems to change the whole dynamic of your friendship. That used to be like a punch in the stomach for me, because I invest in my friends. Not financially, just more time and so on. I try best to get things back to normal, but its hardly ever the same especially when its only you that cares about the situation of your friendship. Left to he or she there isn’t anything different about your relationship. It really frustrates me how I wouldn’t think twice about breaking my back for a friend and yet they can very easily turn me down without even thinking twice.
So the cross roads I am now is this: high school friends…only speak to a few properly, uni friends, most have moved back to Nigeria and because well, we don’t live in a sensible proximity from each other, its the occasional catch up. There are a few of them that are solid :).
Anyways to end my ramblings.. Friends are scarce! If you have good ones, keep them close and sweet!!