Tune into my (ir)rational heart… my mind
Another stab at fiction.. keep the comments/feedback coming 🙂
Shade finds herself yet again sitting in her empty flat, with the television on, only that she isn’t watching it. She can hear sounds coming from it which is surprising as one of her favourite shows was on tv, Sister Sister, with Tia and Tamara Mowry. These days she hasn’t been interested in watching them, instead her mind has been very occupied with her boyfriend, Sile. She is finding it hard to understand the situation she has found herself in.
I can remember very vividly our short lived honeymoon period as they call it, you know the times when we were so in love with each other and couldn’t get enough of each other. The days when we talked late into the night, dreading going to bed as it meant we will have to say our goodbyes and sleep on our respective beds in our respective flats. Catching up at the weekends was pretty much a it goes without saying situation. We used to look forward to seeing each other and savour every moment we spent together.. oh wait.. was that just me?
I guess he has spoilt me, because I find myself sitting in my living room, at what used to be our after work chat time watching tv and wondering if this is the beginning of our break up. For starters, I can’t remember the last time I saw him, oh i exaggerate, it was only 3 weeks ago. I can’t remember the last long and uninterrupted conversation we had, oh actually, it was 5 minutes long. What happened to those days when it was just me and him in our own little world and any call that interrupted our conversation was told to expect a call back. I find myself at the receiving end of this statement now, only that I am expecting numerous call backs in the process distorting the flow of our conversations. So much so that these days I don’t even bother trying to discuss anything interesting with him because I know at the climax of the conversation he will have to go attend to something, someone or pick up a phone call more important and I’ll be left with ‘babe, let me call you back’, slightly miffed and wishing I could train my loved up heart not to care about him as much as I do. Sometimes, I am even determined not to pick up my phone when he calls back just to prove to him i am not waiting around for his call. Seems like I am doing just that.
I feel like he has spoilt me, got me used to his charms and attention and then dropped me like its hot. I got used to having him at the other end of the line and fully involved with my weekends, I even compromised my typical weekend for his typical weekend. Now that he isn’t there, I find myself trying to remember what my life was like before him. I remember giving my friend’s advice while dating their boy friends not to get too carried away and forget to have fun by themselves. I guess I have fallen into that same trap myself.
I used to have a great time as a single person, I mean, I always had something planned. Not necessarily partying away, but I had things to keep me busy at the weekends and after work. Now, I am sitting here missing Sile, while he is away playing football with his friends. I find myself wishing I was his friend these days not his girlfriend because at least then we can spend some time together and I can have some of his attention. I know this is selfish but I sometimes wish he would tune into my heart and drive down the 25 minutes to my flat instead of playing football to surprise me and give me a big warm hug and drive back home. That’s all I ask for, especially as spending time together is more of a second priority to him, or so I feel anyway.
I’ll tell you what hurts the most, it is that he doesn’t seem to have caught on to the fact that I am not as happy as we were at the beginning. Can’t he hear it in my voice? Can’t he pick up the signs? How is he able to be happy and go ahead with his life without missing me half as much as I do right now. I am independent, not naggy, polite and very understanding, sometimes too understanding. What does he want from me? At this rate I feel like the answer to that question is nothing. I mean, I look back and think, what am I offering him? I have a lot to offer, but he asks for nothing and will not accept what I have to offer, be it material or emotional. This leads me to wonder what he wants from me? Why are we still together? Why hasn’t he ended the relationship? How does he manage to sound chirpy when we talk, or loving while I am silently sulking away and trying to muster up some happiness to match his chirpy tone. How is he able to tell me he loves me if I feel like this. Am I being irrational or am I expecting too much?
He still has the attributes of the man I fell in love with but I am zoning out of this relationship. I feel like the less time we spend together, the less time we have to get to know each other more. The less time we spend together, the more I slip away silently and shut down completely. Knowing myself, once I shut down, that is the end of the story. I have discussed this with my very good friend Bisi and she begged me not to shut down, because she knows how good I am at doing that. I am trying to follow her advice, but I really do hope Sile comes around soon.
With all this on my mind, I still manage to smile at work and around my flat, just so people don’t pry into my life. That was why I found it particularly funny when my flatmate Shalewa came up to me a few hours ago and said to me ‘Shade, you are very strong’. Yes, she said that out of the blue, apparently it had been on her mind after I reacted very differently to a situation we were both in and she cried her eyes out while I just took a deep breath and got on with it. Well.. she isnt here now to see my tears and realise I am not so strong after all. I guess i just have a great defence mechanism, but it is only skin deep. Inside, I am not has happy as my smiles depict.
So I have resolved to rediscovering myself. Keeping myself busy, after all my life doesn’t revolve around him. I am only silently hoping this does not push us further away from each other. How much further can we be.. after all I am making myself available now and he isn’t here. It is time to do me..
I know once again, this has a lot of reverie in it and it is short x_x… lol I’ll try to work on something that is more corresponding and has more characters.