*Long post alert! 1,350 words*
Where do I begin?
I don’t think I am passionate about anything? I feel like I just get by… which makes me feel like I am cheating!
e.g. I love to sing, but I do not have a great voice, and I haven’t invested any time or money in trying to train my voice, however I expect to open my mouth and be able to sing beautifully.
I love to play instruments, or shall I say, I’ll love to be able to play an instrument. For this one, at least I can say I had piano lessons as a child until my brother decided he didn’t like the teacher so my mum
sacked let him go! When I started at my university, I found an advert on a notice board of one of the students, a medic, who gives piano lessons for like 15 pounds an hour (or so), I will never forget her name, Felicity Coad, so I called her and we had a fruitful piano relationship for nearly a year. I must say I improved a great deal. However, funds got tight. So I decided, I would rather let go of my dream to be able to play piano well than soak garri. So I let her go. I am not good enough, but I can read notes, however, I can’t recognise the sound of the note… if that makes sense. Now I want to learn how to play the guitar.. *sigh*
I would love to be a good enough knitter (is there a word like that?). So good that I can sell my crafts to stores, or brand them. However, knitting is an expensive hobby! For example, a skein of 50g wool is at least 2.5 pounds (and this is not the best wool you can get o, or even good enough wool), I need at least 3 of that to make a scarf, so 8.50 in total. I would probably be able to see it for tops, 15 pounds. 6.50 pounds profit and I would have spent hours knitting it myself. That doesn’t appeal. It isn’t profitable. However, I am more the happy just knitting as a hobby and myself, DT and friends and family. As there is no profit per say in it for me, I have no incentive to perfect my skills expeditiously. I just knit when I am not baking or reading a book… which leads me to the next..
Baking! I remember when I could not bake! V3 from DVees can testify to my hit and miss baking (in fact, it was mostly miss), in our university days. I actually couldn’t tell you in advance what I was baking! I can set out to bake a cake and it would come out hard as a cookie and vice versa. I eventually realised that, baking was not like naija cooking, you actually have to measure your ingredients! LOL. So, I grudgingly finally invested in a scale, not while I was a student though. LOL. I was convinced there were too expensive, despite the fact I eventually got one when I started working for less than 15 pounds. I am sure you can tell I am an Ijebu girl. My baking rapidly got better. Now my staple baked goods are lemon drizzle, carrot cake and banana cake. I have dabbled into making red velvet cake but I haven’t perfected it. Now, I can’t get myself to ice cakes! I am scared I don’t know how to do it, so I haven’t really bothered trying. It is also another reason I haven’t perfected my red velvet cake because it is nicer with cream cheese icing which I haven’t tried to make properly. Also, my cup cakes are rubbish because everyone knows the beauty of cupcake is in its icing! LOL. As I cannot ice, I haven’t bothered to perfect my cupcake recipe.
Can you see a pattern here?
Next is writing! I love to write, or the idea of writing. When I was in high school, I had a book where I just wrote stuff that came to my mind, poems that encouraged me, that eventually encouraged my baby brother when he found the book after I moved to the UK. I wrote stories, a couple of them got published in my high school’s magazine. I just enjoyed it. Then I decided that instead of writing about things I think about, I will write about myself. That was how the story I shared a few months ago based on my ex came about. Then I realised I didn’t really want to write about myself, I wanted to inspire people or just tell stories or write poems that are meaningful. I finally chickened out… again..! Because I once again haven’t invested time in cultivating that skill, my writing is mediocre. I am still dabbling with picking it up again, but I can’t decide on what I want to write about which is important so I can focus on this and just do it.
And then reading! I love to read, and I have an opinion when I read. I wish I could put a microphone in my mind to say what I want to say about all the novels I have read. To this end, I started Angel’s book club. But, I just didn’t know how to take this forward. Do I summarise the book and voice my opinion, do I just voice my opinion? How do I say what I want to say about a book with over 150 pages in a few words? *sigh* I think it might be bye-bye Angels book club (not closing, but will be dormant for some time till I can decide what to do). I might just join an actual book club where I can meet people and discuss books with them. Just that they may not read books I really want to read! I have like 11 books from the library and I have only started reading one! I blame the fact I drive now, so I no longer have my reading time on trains and buses.
I could go on…so many things in my life seem to be like this, half-baked. I feel like i am cheating because I feel like yes I know a little bit of things, enough to get by and maybe talk about it, but not enough to be great at it. I want to be great at something! Not for my ego, just so I know I am Angel, and I am great at doing this. I want to be great at it so I can teach people, inspire them, help people with my passion. If it is baking, bake for shelters, or church, or work or charity bake sales (which i did once, was fun) or whatever that may lead to. If it is writing… our words are powerful, it helps people. I know reading blogs has helped me.. so if only I could channel my thoughts into words that actually make sense. So many times I think of things I would love to blog about but I can’t put enough words together to convey the message properly. *sigh* The question for myself is this.. what is my passion?
I concluded that it could be because I don’t have enough passion for anything? I’m just happy enough to let things happen as they do and pick things up as and when? I hate to think of myself as a passionless person, but I can’t think of another explanation! I work hard, I love working hard.. but I need to find my passion and be passionate about it!
I won’t give up though. If I can call it this, my new year resolution is to try harder, to find my niche, to focus on it, while not forgetting my other skills and build on it to benefit myself and others!
That is it… kai… see how I have just thrown myself out there.. lol I hope this time next year, I have something to prove that I have worked towards this.