Angelsbeauty's Blog

…. what's next on my random mind?….

Passionless?

passionless

*Long post alert! 1,350 words*

Where do I begin?

I don’t think I am passionate about anything? I feel like I just get by… which makes me feel like I am cheating!

e.g. I love to sing, but I do not have a great voice, and I haven’t invested any time or money in trying to train my voice, however I expect to open my mouth and be able to sing beautifully.

I love to play instruments, or shall I say, I’ll love to be able to play an instrument. For this one, at least I can say I had piano lessons as a child until my brother decided he didn’t like the teacher so my mum sacked let him go! When I started at my university, I found an advert on a notice board of one of the students, a medic, who gives piano lessons for like 15 pounds an hour (or so), I will never forget her name, Felicity Coad, so I called her and we had a fruitful piano relationship for nearly a year. I must say I improved a great deal. However, funds got tight. So I decided, I would rather let go of my dream to be able to play piano well than soak garri. So I let her go. I am not good enough, but I can read notes, however, I can’t recognise the sound of the note… if that makes sense. Now I want to learn how to play the guitar.. *sigh*

I would love to be a good enough knitter (is there a word like that?). So good that I can sell my crafts to stores, or brand them. However, knitting is an expensive hobby! For example, a skein of 50g wool is at least 2.5 pounds (and this is not the best wool you can get o, or even good enough wool), I need at least 3 of that to make a scarf, so 8.50 in total. I would probably be able to see it for tops, 15 pounds. 6.50 pounds profit and I would have spent hours knitting it myself. That doesn’t appeal. It isn’t profitable. However, I am more the happy just knitting as a hobby and myself, DT and friends and family. As there is no profit per say in it for me, I have no incentive to perfect my skills expeditiously. I just knit when I am not baking or reading a book… which leads me to the next..

Baking! I remember when I could not bake! V3 from DVees can testify to my hit and miss baking (in fact, it was mostly miss), in our university days. I actually couldn’t tell you in advance what I was baking! I can set out to bake a cake and it would come out hard as a cookie and vice versa. I eventually realised that, baking was not like naija cooking, you actually have to measure your ingredients! LOL. So, I grudgingly finally invested in a scale, not while I was a student though. LOL. I was convinced there were too expensive, despite the fact I eventually got one when I started working for less than 15 pounds. I am sure you can tell I am an Ijebu girl. My baking rapidly got better. Now my staple baked goods are lemon drizzle, carrot cake and banana cake. I have dabbled into making red velvet cake but I haven’t perfected it. Now, I can’t get myself to ice cakes! I am scared I don’t know how to do it, so I haven’t really bothered trying. It is also another reason I haven’t perfected my red velvet cake because it is nicer with cream cheese icing which I haven’t tried to make properly. Also, my cup cakes are rubbish because everyone knows the beauty of cupcake is in its icing! LOL. As I cannot ice, I haven’t bothered to perfect my cupcake recipe.

Can you see a pattern here?

Next is writing! I love to write, or the idea of writing. When I was in high school, I had a book where I just wrote stuff that came to my mind, poems that encouraged me, that eventually encouraged my baby brother when he found the book after I moved to the UK. I wrote stories, a couple of them got published in my high school’s magazine. I just enjoyed it. Then I decided that instead of writing about things I think about, I will write about myself. That was how the story I shared a few months ago based on my ex came about. Then I realised I didn’t really want to write about myself, I wanted to inspire people or just tell stories or write poems that are meaningful. I finally chickened out… again..! Because I once again haven’t invested time in cultivating that skill, my writing is mediocre. I am still dabbling with picking it up again, but I can’t decide on what I want to write about which is important so I can focus on this and just do it.

And then reading! I love to read, and I have an opinion when I read. I wish I could put a microphone in my mind to say what I want to say about all the novels I have read. To this end, I started Angel’s book club. But, I just didn’t know how to take this forward. Do I summarise the book and voice my opinion, do I just voice my opinion? How do I say what I want to say about a book with over 150 pages in a few words? *sigh* I think it might be bye-bye Angels book club (not closing, but will be dormant for some time till I can decide what to do). I might just join an actual book club where I can meet people and discuss books with them. Just that they may not read books I really want to read! I have like 11 books from the library and I have only started reading one! I blame the fact I drive now, so I no longer have my reading time on trains and buses.

I could go on…so many things in my life seem to be like this, half-baked. I feel like i am cheating because I feel like yes I know a little bit of things, enough to get by and maybe talk about it, but not enough to be great at it. I want to be great at something! Not for my ego, just so I know I am Angel, and I am great at doing this. I want to be great at it so I can teach people, inspire them, help people with my passion. If it is baking, bake for shelters, or church, or work or charity bake sales (which i did once, was fun) or whatever that may lead to. If it is writing… our words are powerful, it helps people. I know reading blogs has helped me.. so if only I could channel my thoughts into words that actually make sense. So many times I think of things I would love to blog about but I can’t put enough words together to convey the message properly. *sigh* The question for myself is this.. what is my passion?

I concluded that it could be because I don’t have enough passion for anything? I’m just happy enough to let things happen as they do and pick things up as and when? I hate to think of myself as a passionless person, but I can’t think of another explanation! I work hard, I love working hard.. but I need to find my passion and be passionate about it!

I won’t give up though. If I can call it this, my new year resolution is to try harder, to find my niche, to focus on it, while not forgetting my other skills and build on it to benefit myself and others!

That is it… kai… see how I have just thrown myself out there.. lol I hope this time next year, I have something to prove that I have worked towards this.

Love

Angel

xoxo

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14 thoughts on “Passionless?

  1. The post actually didn’t feel that long because i saw some of myself on there. I can def relate. There are a lot of half-baked passions of mine too. I’m pretty sure of some but i just feel like i can be more, do more you know.
    You’ll figure it out 🙂

  2. This post resonated with me in two ways. First, I woke up this morning with that Nelson Mandela quote in my head. I planned to search online for the exact picture you used in this post and then print it out and pin on my bedroom wall, where I can always see it and remind myself of his powerful words.

    Second, last Friday, I read an article about living with passion by Paulo Coelho, and after reading it, I asked myself what my passions were. To my surprise, I couldn’t confidently name any. The weird thing is I video recorded the moment, and the sight of me struggling to come up with my passions and talk clearly and convincingly about them was painful to watch later.

    So, girl, you are not alone. The good thing is you are aware of your half-baked passions and are working on improving and enjoying them. So hold you head up and keep it moving .

    • Great minds eh? That must have been hard. Watching the video! *sigh* as kids we all knew what we wanted to do but the reality of life set in now we feel like we must do something sensible that is realistic that may not even be our passion

  3. I think it’s nice that you can actually name the things you have dabbled into and are passionate about. I think it’s getting to that level where your activities, mindset and work revolve around one thing is where you are headed.

    I also feel this same way too, like one minute I want to resign from paid employment and focus on a passion and the next minute I get scared I don’t know so much about the so called passion.

    You are definitely not alone in this situation.

  4. Lol..I don’t think your passionless..I think you just like trying new things..and there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂
    and hey, life is full of changes, today you try something new..tomorrow you try another..:)
    Life is all about trying new things..
    I want to learn how to bake, knit, play the guitar and sing! Singing lessons are expensive sha! I hope I take them someday. I think we have the same interests! lol..
    Would probably take one of these hobbies up when I graduate from uni..yes I’m that young :p..lol..okay I’m not that young , my course is just long:P :)..lol.
    Don’t stop trying new things…you might just find something that you don’t want t let go of 🙂

  5. My ore , I know what you mean. You gotta pray hunnie, you gotta pray and act.

  6. Jack of all trades = consultant, group of companies, etc… However jokes aside.
    Heard a message about your mission in life and then the alternative vision.
    You can be great, you can be anything you want to be, but then you are here for a purpose. If you can find it then… (you get the drift). Sometimes these little things you do know, come in handy later in life in ways you can never imagine now.

    *hands over 2 kobo*

  7. I am with Onah. Dont stop trying new things. You might just find the one you wont let go. I think writing has always been my forth. Not so much of creative writing but as a medium to reach out. So i am at the point where i am seeking new outlets for it. writing a book…that’s not in my horizon yet.

    I was a bit interested in the Book Club thingy and wanted to see how you progress with it. Unfortunately I didnt have time then to invest in it. A couple of friends and I had actually discussed starting an online book club but alas time. Summarize a 150 page book? why not? just limit yourself to a certain number of words/sentences and see your mind work at it.

    lastly..we are all WIP jare. Do you.

    • we really are all WIP lol! mehn that book club.. i am still interested.. to be honest lack of time doesn’t help either. If you every start one up, hit me up, i will be very interested!

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