A little pity party
I’m having one of those days where I wish I could erase the whole day and start all over!
I knew it was bad when I found myself uttering the words… I wish I could postpone Christmas, I am just too busy at the moment to prepare for it and I really want to do it properly.
The above sentence seems to be the tag line of my life at the moment. I just feel like I need more time to do things properly because I have too much in my hands. Or maybe I just haven’t got the hang of managing my current situation effectively!
I am also currently being converted to the school of thought that it is impossible to do my job efficiently and effectively and leave early everyday to pick my son. Something has got to give. Either get some help at home for someone to look after him to give me some flexibility with work to stay behind when I need to, or just accept I will be rubbish at my job and unreliable to deliver work that may require me to spend a few extra hours after the time I need to leave to pick up my son.
As someone who is very career motivated, or shall I say was, the initial realisation that something must definitely had to give was very upsetting. Why can’t I do it all and do it all very well? I don’t want to look incompetent? I’m not going to lie to you and say I don’t love my job, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked to cut my year long maternity leave short by a few months.
If today was anything to go by, my new mantra of ‘I can’t kill myself’ will have to comfort me. I can only do what I can do. Plus, I know I’m trying my best with the resources I have. It breaks my heart to disappoint my colleagues, but I can only hope this does not become a normal. The only way I can think of resolving this is to make sure I don’t take on more work I can sensibly do and also to make sure what matters, my family, know they have my full attention when I am with them.
Today was just an odd ball. I got up early to get to work early so I can get on with my work, especially as I knew I had tomorrow off. I parked my car and realised I had two minutes to catch my train so I ran, and I caught it. Then I had back to back meetings from 11:30-2:30pm, it took me 2hrs to eat lunch. What started out as egg noodles and beef in black bean sauce that was so hot ended up being a cold glob of food. I had another call at 3pm and then a deliverable for 4pm and I was due to finish work at 430pm. I clearly didn’t have enough time to finish my deliverable. So, it suffered and I cried for my incompetence, albeit temporarily. I’m still beating myself up because I didn’t t do a good job and I wanted to rectify this by staying an extra hour so I called my son’s nursery to ask if I could pay the late fee for me to pick him an hour later than normal and they tell me I needed to give them 24 hours notice! I didn’t plan to be incompetent today 24 hours in advance I wanted to scream. So, that was my plan to rectify the situation out of the window. I apologised to the manager I was working with and left with my tails between my legs, to pick up my son.
On the train home, I realised in my rush to get to work I forgot to pay for parking! I got to my car to find a parking ticket. Could my day get any worse? I got to the nursery bang on the hour, the first thing his teacher or is it carer will say to me is she needs me to sign an incident report form. I’m like what is it again? She then tells me another child had bitten my darling son, twice! But, his skin did not break there was no blood, they put a cold compress immediately. At this point I wanted to slap someone. I just took a deep breath, signed the papers. Sucked my tears of frustration in and carried my son out of the place to head home.
That is the summary of my day! Once he falls asleep I need to finish a report for work and then my holiday can officially start. After all, it’s DT’s birthday on Saturday, I have to get my hair done tomorrow and get w manicure and pedicure. I can’t kill myself. I owe myself a treat, let me look human, if just for a day.
That is me for now. Hope to blog more frequently… I still haven’t shared my birth story. Coming very soon!