Angelsbeauty's Blog

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Archive for the tag “confidence”

Acceptance

Where do I even start?

I was at Marks and Spencer’s yesterday with my sister-in-law and when we got to the till to pay for our goods, I noticed that all the Christmas cards had been replaced with valentine day cards. First of all, it made me laugh. I guess man has to chop, the earlier they put out the cards the more cards people are likely to buy.

For some reason, seeing those cards reminded me if a time when I lacked confidence. A time when I thought I was ugly and unimportant. A time when I noticed I had a big head I hadn’t grown into and was picked on for that by some friends and cousins who didn’t realise the dent they made to my confidence each time they called me big head. A time when I was insecure. At the till at Marks and Spencer, I thought about the things I thought were important and it makes me laugh now as I can now see how irrelevant they were. I still wonder how I broke out of my misery!

It is funny I had these insecurities because a majority of the things I didn’t like about myself were psychological, in my head. Other than the big head (lol), what people saw when they looked at me was a lot better than what I saw.

I hid this for as long as I could and slowly, I began to shake myself out of it. I realised that the only person that could make me believe I was beautiful and worth it was myself and whoever thought otherwise was irrelevant. I told myself not to make an effort to fit the image other people liked just because I wanted to feel involved. Thanks to my parents, I was taught to be content and even more thanks to myself for listening to what they taught me.

What I try to do instead is to be myself. I don’t compare myself to anyone, I make the best of what I have. There were times were people would just pass comments like.. you look old in that, you are fatter, have you put on weight… the same people were the ones that a week or so later when they see me, they would say.. oh are you starving yourself, you have lost weight or they would ask to borrow the outfit that they said made me look like an old woman! At first it got to me.. like what is their problem, why can’t they just leave me alone to let me be. Then I decided not to pay attention to them and carry on as I was. On realisation that I really didn’t give their opinions much thought… they backed off.

Now I accept myself for who I am, but I still find it hard to accept compliments. Recently, a few of my colleagues kept on going on about how nice I look, how skinny I am, how my waist was tiny etc. I looked at myself and all i could see was thick thighs and big tummy and not a tiny waist. I found it so funny that I changed my  blackberry status to what they said, laughing at myself. I expected people to laugh and agree with me that they were blind or something or ignore my status so they don’t offend me. However, the comments I got were surprising. I changed my status back and said thank you!

I know I am not ugly… and I know I am not the most beautiful person on earth.. however, I know I am beautiful enough and I accept that. That is all that matters! I am still working on myself though :).

So to ladies out there. who think they are not beautiful.. or feel they need to look a certain way to be acceptable.. this is for you, you are beautiful. Accept it and move on. Set your own standards and stop wishing you were someone else, be happy you are YOU and take pride in that fact that there is no one else out there like you.

There will be days when you will doubt it… just remind yourself again that you are beautiful!

Love

Angel

xoxo

Who are you?

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I find myself sometimes asking myself who I am, especially when I am faced with the world. In my own little world, I believe  I understand people and I can read people and signs from people just to get a feel of their personality and the kind of person they are. So that said, the people I come across make me ask myself who I am. The reason been they have amazing characters. Some good amazing and some.. lets just say funny amazing.

Just for the purpose of this blog, I am a size 10 right and I am not a weight freak, I don’t really care what I weight as long as I am not obese and i set a maximum size 12 for myself just because based on my body mass index, even at size 10, I am nearly overweight and I have heard bmi is not very accurate especially as I have very dense bones, being African. But that’s besides the point.  So as I was saying, I love my chocolate, especially snickers… hmmmm now to make you beg you for it, just make it cold or frozen…. that just makes my mouth water. I also love M&S percy pigs, and sainsbury’s bakery chocolate chip muffin ( the 4 in a pack ones), M&S chocolatey rounds, I could so go on. long story short, I love my junk food, but I am not great at the gym. I hardly ever go. While I was in university, it was free to go to the gym so I used it more then, but now, I don’t drive, plus there isn’t a decent one nearby and I just come up with all sorts of excuses not to go.

So what was the essence of telling you my weight and favorite snacks, it is because people around me keep hounding me for eating. I am a kind of person anything I do, I tell at least one person, that’s me! So when I am having lunch and I love what I am eating, I change my blackberry status or twitter to something like.. hmm I love goat cheese and olives and someone pings me back going.. ooo you love food too much, oo you always talk about food etc, and I am thinking how does it affect you? Am not obese, I am not eating your food, plus it is my lunch! Same with dinner.. but because I know who I am I don’t dwell on it for too long, but to be honest it is very annoying and I was not a confident person, I could be bulimic or anorexic now.

Now drinking is number two on my list. I am not a heavy drinker, I drink socially but apart from religion, the reasons why i don’t drink heavily are:

  • I find alcohol expensive and a waste of my money
  • I wonder how one could keep drinking without feeling too full and eventually stop enjoying the drink
  • I heard hang overs are horrible so I never want to be hung over, plus you enjoy the night more when you know what you are doing
  • I don’t want to have an  excuse for my stupidity, if i am going to be stupid, I’ll rather be sober.

I am not saying people who drink are stupid by the way, I just know people who do things they wouldn’t normally do sober and then blame the drink. I also find that as obvious as it is, one man’s food is another man’s poison. I got told recently by a friend that he can’t go out for fun with me because I don’t drink. My immediate reaction was, well I do have fun when I go out, I drink but I don’t get drunk and I am NOT going to change that so that people can think I am fun to go out with.

On a more general note, in social gatherings, or things as simple as lunch, I study people and find that some are too scared to make decisions for themselves because they want to be with the majority. For example, if someone says hey who wants to go clubbing tonight, the first thing i think about is, I am free, do I have other things I need to sort out, not who else is going, will so and so be there, or stall on an answer till am sure people will go. Sometimes taking my approach can be lonelybecause for example you could end up being the only person there, but I would rather do that that just be a follower. I am a good team worker, but if everyone decides to be a follower, I will gladly be a leader. Have a mind of your own, make your own path.

I think I have written enough for today, with that I say goodnight. xxx

image: http://repairstemcell.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/questionmark.jpg

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