Angelsbeauty's Blog

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Archive for the tag “Morbid”

My morbid thoughts

Advance warning.... this is a very queer and erm.. for lack of a better word.. weird post. Read at your own discretion. Enjoy.
I often wonder about death more than I ought to. As a Christian I believe there is Life after death, but even then the fear of the unknown gets me now and again. I am so sad inside when I read about people dying. Especially those that were shot or stabbed for no reason whatsoever, Mr Saunders, the barrister in Chelsea that got shot by the police, or bullying, Damilola Taylor that got stabbed in Peckham many years ago.  What a waste of life, I wonder what the person's family is going through. I couldn't begin to imagine.

Fortunately I haven’t experienced the death of anyone close to me. Closest I came to was one of my course mate at university.  We were not close, but I spoke to her a couple of times and she was a lovely person. A straight A student, finished her Chemical engineering degree with a first class.  After graduation, as you would expect she had bagged herself a good job which she deferred for a year so she could go travelling and volunteering. While travelling she died from high altitude sickness in Tibet, after visiting the highest navigable lake in the world. It’s really sad, I remember her now and again and still can’t believe she is gone. If I, someone who was not close to her can feel this way about her death, I wonder how her family . I know everyone received forwarded messages about how you shouldn’t take people for granted, especially those in your lives now that you love. I will like to encourage us all to cease everyday like it is the last and try to make it count. Let us be remembered for good things.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if i died. Obviously, l don’t pray to die before my time. I find that I am more curious than scared about death which again is disturbing. I don’t want to die, but i just wonder. So I started thinking about other dead people like Luter Vandross, Da’grin and Michael Jackson and wonder if they knew the would die in their subconscious at the point they passed away. Were they at peace at the hour of death or frantic? One of my gran’s friend had a smile on her face when she passed away. Stories like that give me some comfort. I am not saying  in any way that people who die without an expression are gnashing their teeth somewhere. I am just saying that the smile gave me evidence that death is not the end, something happens. Also, there is always a big fuss about celebrities especially when they die, for like the first year and then afterwards its like they never existed. I understand life has to go on, but it was a person who lived a life, walked this earth and breathed the same air we did, gone!

I must admit that I usually start thinking these morbid thoughts around my birthday, which is in a few days.  I think it might have to do with the fact that I love birthdays and I can’t stand the thought of not having one. I remember in high school on my birthday eve I used to think I would die for some really odd reason. I really can’t explain it, but I don’t think like that any more… i think. So I used to stay awake till midnight and pray and once its my birthday I go to bed thinking, at least I have added another year.

I repeated this same thinking 2 years ago. I found a lump in my body years ago, but to me I just used to say well what I don’t know won’t kill me, I would rather just live my life than go into the hospital and get a diagnostic that would make me sad and not enjoy the life I am currently living. So years down the line, just before my final masters exams, I decided to get it checked out and I was referred to a cancer specialist hospital to get a biopsy to make sure it was nothing. As my parents live in Nigeria, my aunt went with me to get the biopsy and thank God, it was nothing. The doctor said I could either remove it or leave it. So I was pleased to ignore the lump, but not my mother! She said I should take it out and what is not meant to be inside my body should not be there. So I went back to the hospital to book an appointment, once again this was around my birthday. When the lady asked me what date I wanted to come in, I immediately thought, well, I will be 21 in a few days, I will do it a day after my 21st birthday, at least then i would have been 21! I really don’t understand where these horrible thoughts about death stemmed from. My dad flew in as my mum couldn’t make and himself and my aunt waited while I was operated on. Anyway surgery done, no issues and apparently during my post surgery check up, the nurse said I was ‘disgustingly healthy’ I took that as a compliment :). That was 2 years ago. In hindsight, it was a stupid thing to do, I mean not going to the hospital earlier, I wouldn’t advice anyone to leave something like that for that long, I was just lucky it was nothing.

So yea, it is my birthday in a few weeks and I hope I won’t be thinking about death on the eve of it.


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