Angelsbeauty's Blog

…. what's next on my random mind?….

Archive for the tag “sad”

To be sad or rejoice?

It’s been a season of mixed emotions.

I have heard a lot of good news, from engagements, to weddings, to babies, to passing exams to promotions and the list goes on.

At the same time, I have heard a lot of bad news, mainly deaths!

For example, one of my best friends lost his mum a couple of weeks ago, very unexpected. I never met her, intact, I have never met him, but we have been online friends for about 8/9 years and are quite close. While I am trying to think about what he is going through and how hard it must be for him, we finally bought my car, remember numerous posts ago how I said my dad was getting me a car for my graduation present, well I graduated about 3 or so years ago and because I don’t have a license yet, he didn’t buy the car. However, as I am now married, he handed over the cash and we bought my car and now I am going to practice in it till I pass. So yea, good news and happy news. I try to smile and be happy and then I remember the sad news.

Before his mom, another close friend lost her dad about a week before my wedding. I am there happy about my wedding, then I think about what my friend is going through loosing her dad. Another high school friend lost her dad as well about 2 weeks before my wedding. Yet another high school mate lost her mum too, then MsTizzle’s hospital admission too got me thinking, it could be anyone. I am so pleased she is okay now and I pray for speedy recovery for her. However, another one of my best friends is getting married soon, yayyyy! Her introduction is today, so another happy news. So in the midst of the wedding, new car, promotion, I am still sad, because my friends are sad! Does that make sense? So I have kind of being in a mood in the last few weeks. Sometimes smiling and laughing, other times deep in thought and moody. Plus I haven’t really being happy at work either. But I hope things will get better. Only time will tell.

So, I have been thinking… the bible says in every situation, give thanks. So I have been giving thanks, even when I am moody and happy, I say thank you Lord. Been chatting with my friend, Owo, who lost his mum, trying to get him to get closer to God now, despite what his mind may tell him.. like why would God let that happen. Its hard sha.

I have noticed recently, that when good things are happen, the devil finds a way of rearing his ugly head, to rain on your parade you know. So from today onwards, I am not going to let ‘it’ decide my mood. I will mourn with those who mourn and laugh with those who laugh and I pray God will teach me to do it the best way. I take this opportunity to say thank you Lord for the blessings in my life and I ask and pray that you’ll comfort those who have lost loved ones in Jesus name – Amen.

Till we meet again…

xoxo Angel xoxo

 

One of those days

I spoke to someone from my past today and it was a very interesting conversation but I could not help but feel down afterwards. For a very happy person, or at least according to my friends who think I am and some say they envy me, but I do not think I am a very happy person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have terminally ill family members or stones and rumbling down my life, but I like to think happiness is all relative. Someone who losses a pen can feel as much pain as someone who £1,000 was stolen from. That is the way I see things, because of the sentiments people attach to these things. I am not saying it is right or wrong, all I am saying is at that point in time, they are feeling the same emotion which equally feels horrible.

So, why did I feel bad, I have no idea. I guess its just the way I felt I came across. I felt I cam across as pompous. I think I seriously have issues, I don’t know why I felt like that, but I did. Then I started giving out unnecessary information and in return, he share pieces of news which were very exciting, like a couple of our old friends getting married and even he himself is thinking of getting married which is also really exciting. So naturally, I thought about myself again, back to this same old marriage story. This time, I was thinking where my lane changed? When in my life did I change track? Am I on the right track? I have NO CLUE.  I remember when I was kid, my expectations in life were very simple. The simplest ever, but at the same time, I had no real life ambition or aspiration. Even though for some weird reason I always knew I wanted to study something that involved mathematics and drawing, so my options then were engineering, or architecture and then eventually I studied chemical engineering. I knew I wanted en education, this was when I was back in Nigeria, my parents could afford to give me one and since I can remember my parents have always worked, both my mum and dad and even now, they are still working, so even though then as a child, I thought I wanted an easy life, not a lot of stress, maybe just get a simple job that I’ll just have to turn up on time and leave when work is over and then pop out kids and be a housewife.

My problem  now is my views of life are so different, I believe I was a different person then. I also feel like I have swung too far to the other side, I need some balance. I am talking so much change in 7 years. 7 years is a long time, but still not long enough for me to an entirely different person. I am having to catch up with myself, and now that I think about it, do I know me? I feel like I have been on a very fast track, I haven’t really had the chance to think. I started school before I can even remember, I went through some old school reports to find out that I repeated nursery because I couldn’t write or read, not sure which and then a couple of years later, I changed schools so I had to repeat primary 1 because the school I changed to would not let me go on to primary 2. So pretty much, I have repeated twice before I eventually got into the swing of school like my other colleagues. Having been set back by 2 years educationally, I still found that I was one of the youngest in my year when I moved to England. I was born in November, but I still managed to carry on school years in England with those born before August if that makes sense. So from A levels onwards, it was a responsible and fast lane. So, 2 years of A levels, got really good grades, well come on, my parents were paying thousands of pounds as an international student for me to school here, and they never made me forget that they are working hard to make ends meet, which translated to, do your bit by getting good grades. From A levels, moved on to Imperial College, even more pressure, no longer the top of the class, had to work harder to be an average student and then from University straight into work. I have loved every part of it, but when I look back, I feel like every step of the way I am loosing a part of myself. The question is, am I becoming a better person or a worse person? Time will tell, but would it be too late by then? These are thoughts that have occupied my head this night, other than the election results.

The question now is, do I go ahead and try to carry out the game plan in my head or just chill, but I have not had a chill pill since 2003! It is such a foreign thought to me, each time I try to chill, reflex kicks in. I am also tired of trying to get free therapy from my friends, because I have loads of issues and I am beginning to feel weird sharing them with people I know and see everyday, hence this lamentation. Maybe I should invest in a shrink, but before that, I need to learn to drive first.

So… Good night for now and may the best party win!

One of my moods…

Arrghhh!!! I am in one of those moods where I just want to scream. First off I have had a long day at work right and then now I am just picking fights with everyone, like picking on what they say and I know I am going to regret this.

First off my boyfriend, I know he has gone through a lot to chat with me today ( long distance), but I have a weird heart and I can be negatively emotional sometimes, like sometimes i just switch off and everything irritates me like today and I am picking on his everyword and he is been really patient with me. He keeps trying to make me happy but seriously, I have issues, I am sure my ex can testify.

Then my best friend as well…. i haven’t spoken to him in a while and then i get the opportunity to speak to him, do I jump on it, no I find a reason to be mad at him as well and then he feels bad and apologises and then i feel bad because I didnt mean to make him feel bad and gosh its just a cycle…. etc

I am just in a mood.. like angry… at what, i don’t know.  This doesn’t happen often, but when it does it sucks because i am very foul to speak to then, and I just go on and on and on until I have offended everyone :(. But I am extremely honest in this mood which is …… well…  I think I am just going to shut up and turn off all forms of communication.

I need some help!

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